A man in my position is expected to wear a mask for so long that he forgets who was beneath it. Please excuse my rigidity as I attempt to balance masculinity and honesty within one swift maneuver of the pen – and all this, without a single iota of help. They said that speaking of romance and matters of the heart would make a man weak… On the contrary, it only makes a man more passionate in times of war. When we could only be as strong as the woman that raised us, my tears wet this paper like the rain wets the ground. Like an embryo in the secrecy of a womb, I was held incommunicado for a predefined period of time. Here, I reveal a manuscript, perhaps naively, to delineate an immaculate blueprint of many men within the context of our personas. To shine the light of understanding on the aphotic regions of my heart, to know what makes my brothers suffer dolorous moments in silence during the matutinal hours of the day.

Scientifically, tears are produced when the lachrymal glands’ nicotinic and muscarinic receptors are activated. As a sentient human being in a perceptible world, the tears secreted by these glands are naturally released in times of pain and joy. Tears, which, in the absence of witnesses have absolutely no chance of being wiped away. A man’s tears, however, are manipulated and monopolized by an eternal social taboo. A man cries from within; our tears are not at the eye level, but at the bottom of our hearts concealed in an infinitesimally vacuous space. Alone, where no eyes are open, tears become the prison that introduces a man to himself. In times of pain, we tighten our musculatures under the umbrella of our egos. At the swing of the historical pendulum, we witness another generation surrounded by hearts of stone, in cities of stone, stoned in their quest to seek alternative avenues of meaning. In life, many are nothing more than a spectator – an anonymous face in the back of an opaque discotheque, in the midst of disturbed visages in the smoke. Here I see my brothers trying to maintain a façade in the limelight, but weeping silently with each his own story never foretold; narrated only in the subconscious because you simply never saw the pain in his eyes.

We all became an outward mirror of an inner condition; the helpless victims of random childhood events fated to plunge memoryless into an adulthood whose every aspect grew daily more obscure. The modern world has shamed us; our souls extensively marinated in the culture of speed – systematically desensitized, fractionized, and homogenized by the umbrage of mutual misunderstanding. Opting for solitude rather than allowing love to take its course, we suffer an emotional impairment that disables us from trusting one another. Thus, we enunciate our frustrations like the victims of a broken promise. It is as though our best efforts could never appease the wounds that lie within, clinching to emotional addictions that refuse to satisfy the heart’s vacuity. Hastening our own demise as we look for substitutes in a heavy patina of ephemeral relationships, we’re absent in our presence, we’re surrounded yet alone, slowly sinking into a dense miasma of longing. It’s here that we try to exist, engulfed by an unrequited sentiment of loss; an ironic feeling of not knowing what we’ve lost.

Mystified by competing priorities and unable to escape these worldly superficialities, many men run out of money chasing women, but never run out of women chasing money. Succumbing to vanity and eroding moral absolutes, we become opportunists seeking to be emotionally honest. In anticipatory salivation we are transformed into cut-throat desperadoes leeching for substitutes. But there are no replacements – most are left to stand alone in the darkness as love endlessly eludes them; a state of mind bearing resemblance to the times when you missed that special someone so much, you wanted to reach out and pull them out of your dreams.

The Mathematics of Love
Love – the word itself is often vocalized in vain. For a man, its power is often underestimated, antagonized and countermanded in his every effort. Too many refused to believe that when a man truly loves a woman, she will become the reason he smiles. Each day, he embraces her with an abundance of brio just as the sun caresses the sea. Effortlessly transforming fear into assurance, loneliness into companionship; the most unselfish act indeed. So here I am, writing my messages in code – no need for words, we passed each other silently only to look back when the moment was just right. Romantically hesitant, just like the wind; you felt it, but you could not see it. My heart could not beat without the rhythm of yours. I was enamored, bibulously soaking in your presence as the light from the crevice of your room reflected into mine. Alas, I had reminded myself to dash ahead and never look back, but in my weakness, my knees trembled at the reminiscence of souvenirs long-expired.

Mathematically speaking, I failed as to solving the mysterious equation of love. I wanted to subtract myself from this equation so that I could divide the pains from the joys and multiply the result, while adding another chapter to my book of trials. The geometry of love is complex, as though the angularity of our human nature lacks a vital measurement in the pursuit of our common hypotenuse. As I integrate myself over the interval of having written this text, I derive relationships between the symbols and variables appearing in my life – tediously pondering when I will reach my limit as I approach infinity…I remain terribly remiss in such affairs; the solution seems to be far from numerical, far removed from being the sum of finite quantities. Perhaps, this equation was never intended to be solved…

Despite my many failures, under an ominous sky I stand alone, non-branded and free-flowing. Even ends have beginnings; everything must be told in sequence and in context. Today, a sudden intake of fresh air invokes a caesura of pure awe plummeting towards the illuminated windows of my soul. Tomorrow, my memories alone produce a salubrious effect on my spirit. Each and every day, I’m existing to cherish a few amative moments under the candlelight, pristine conversations below the canopy free of self-induced agony. Safe and sound, because we knew from the very beginning that freedom is having nothing to prove in this life…

Some 20 Years Ago…
I am the product of a love so great; it brought Europe and Africa together. Raised speaking the language of my ex-colonizers, as a baby I was held in my mother’s arms. My ancestors hail from a raped continent, where the lives of individuals are not valued, and manipulated to fuel the engine of profit. An accumulation of semi-sovereign nations in which the truth is concealed by falsified arguments and the polarization of wealth is overshadowed by a continuous debt imposed upon our people; revealing that none of us can truly exist on only two dollars a day…

At the age of mobility – migrated to the land of opportunity in hopes of a better life. My brothers understood what it meant to have an empty fridge. Too many spoke of it, but few had lived it. Too many of us became experts in bearing arms, but only brought tears in the eyes of our mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters. Surviving a war in two separate worlds, easy money was the devil that trapped us in a game of mental monopoly. Became a victim of a life that didn’t satisfy me; became what I didn’t want to become. The world was cold and filled with hatred and suffering. Unexpectedly, my dreams diffused in a dense cloud of smoke at a time when, no one would offer me an ear to listen to the tragic tales. I wasn’t the worst, nor was I the best. Trusted men and they lied; our eyes witnessed events that were undeniably forbidden. Suffered multiple wounds while lying on my pedestal of death, but as ammunition flew I was submerged in a cloud of bullet. I could have cried all my tears, knowing that they will never come back – I now see that life is just as much saying goodbye, as it is saying hello.

Our enemies multiplied, until we could not count them anymore. I was nothing more than a statistic, graphing my name on the walls of forgotten ghettos. A troublesome reflection of selling people their death in a bag; amidst a riotous profusion of narcotics usage, a frail child offered me stimulants wrapped in aluminum. I wanted to help, but I was frozen, knowing that monetary handouts cause more harm than good. The general good-will of passersby will never relieve the streets. Eliminated the malicious empire, left the negativity behind, and now the bandana defines a different purpose.

Fraudulent Love
The most perfect drug in the world seems to be the signal that travels through our antennas and into our living rooms. I’m not sure when it became fashionable to talk nonsense in this society, but when publicity comes in the form of corporate sponsorship we become tragically attached to a world of superficialities driven by profit. We can never be good enough, attractive enough, rich enough, dramatic enough, special enough; ;ike an army of carbon copies, too many souls are absorbed into emulating the pictures that appear on their television screens. Now the media wonders why frustrated youth roam the streets, but they don’t see that they are the products of oppressive agenda. They talk about delinquency, I talk about inequality. When the issue was addressed many politicians hid behind a wall of logical responses, but what I saw wasn’t logical. These were the same group of ignorants that plague developing nations with political monsters. In their cities, ghettos are falling under the assault of drugs and alcohol. To them, love means accumulating wealth and money at the expense of our self-destruction. Then, they’ll continue to lie in our textbooks, proving that ignorance has no boundaries.

Actresses, or, emotional hypocrites in disguise, want to know love but they don’t love themselves. To compensate, they spend hours in front of mirrors painting a tragic reflection of their insecurities. They talk about change but they don’t see the change in themselves. They therefore transform themselves into different people every time you encounter them. Sometimes the ugliest people come wrapped in the prettiest little packages. Their violence of envious manipulation hides behind the masks, clothes, and make-up of these well-rehearsed performers. Having fallen in love with such a performer, I became the victim of an illusion – a tainted love that consumed the depth of my soul. In her selfishness, it bothered her to see me smile and through her every word she inflicted pain. Life soon became an ultimatum between her and my loved ones; I refused to partake. The truth became evident when the actress disappeared in my time of reflection; it’s hurt people that hurt people. Now we understand that there’s a big difference between loving a person, and loving what a person can offer to you.

Only forgiveness heals, ends the game of guilt, and releases me from the past. Love offers the freedom from fear, but for me and many others, it has been conjugated in the past tense. Love is frozen at our lips, incapable of being articulated, insomuch as the word itself seems to have disappeared from our vocabulary.

A New Direction
I had to disappear from the public eye, only to return and translate bitterness into hope. This is why I inscribe these words as a lesson, for those willing to listen, because one who forgets the past is condemned to repeat it. This is only the beginning – realization results in action, telling myself I will not be afraid to love someday. I learned that truth is not determined by the volume of one’s voice, so I lay quiet knowing that these domestic drawbacks could never fade my global vision. If it was to be done again I would have been much wiser, I would have held my mother, I would have admitted my weaknesses and focused on my strengths. We want comfort even though it comes at a high price, we make the effort, but more often than not we are not strong enough. If it weren’t for my brothers and sisters, more than half this life would have been spent, incarcerated. I had to cleanse my body of alcoholic poisons; the smoke I use to inhale is now exhaled for good. I escaped descent, cultivated friendships, celebrated cultures, and united broad sections of people; learning to choose friends wisely, and always stay close to the best of them. The best friendships find comfort in silence. Therefore, I’m eternally grateful for your silence in times of reflection, and your words in times of reconstruction.

Now 21 years later, I give my dedication to those with whom I shared these moments. Reminiscing upon the days when I use to live do or die, but now I die to live. Alert and aware that there is a day I am continuously ignoring, that one day, I will pass away…Before death comes for me, to all my friends and lost friends, I would like to say that I love you. To you, I offer my sincerest wishes so that you may find the opportunity of seeing something beautiful every day, so that your love stories never have endings…Know that to the world, you may be one person; but to one person, you may be the world. Don’t frown, because you never know who’s falling in love with your smile. Trust people wisely and they will be true to you; treat them greatly and they will show themselves great. Try focusing not on the world’s tragedies but on the world’s hope. Remember that you are a person, not a stereotype. Remember who you live for, and who you would die for. You can never please everyone, but through your deeds, those you touch will hold you dear to their hearts indefinitely…

In life, the cycles of increase and decrease must be appreciated respectfully to nurture the mind, body, and soul – all inseparable. My journey of a thousand miles began with a single footstep…With this first step I know that cautious movement brings success, those who lack belief will not in turn be believed, and through objectivity you will know when to act and when not to act -trust the correctness of your instincts. Produce, but not to possess. Advance without dominating. Serve without spoiling. Always push for minimum conflict and maximum effect. Act without expectation, and eventually you will achieve without acting. Avoid focusing on people’s faults, but look for the value that is present in people’s hearts and minds. Celebrate other people’s joys, because their smiles will make you smile. Be an expert at what you do, and do what you say you will do. Evolved individuals will put themselves last, and yet they are first. They put themselves outside, and yet they remain – Egolessness is the key to surprise. Observe the impermanence of life and understand that the stronger the attachments, the greater the cost. It’s not what happened, it’s how you think about what happened. The more is done, the more can be done…Learn by going where you have to go, when you begin to trust, others will begin to care…The essence of freedom is when you do not hope for anything, you do not fear for anything. Forgiveness heals the wounds of the past, building a peace of mind. Giving love away is how you keep it. You can love people because they are beautiful, but make sure they are beautiful because you love them. Integrity, adaptation, persistence, balance, and simplicity are the basis of the health and harmony of the mind, body and spirit. If you put in energy you will get back energy, because after great hardship, there is always great ease…

You smile exactly when I smile,
You see exactly what I see, and feel exactly what I feel,
You know exactly who I am, and exactly who I’m not,
You know exactly where my tears came from, and exactly how they dry,
You know exactly where I’m from, and exactly where I’m going,
You know exactly when to leave me alone, and exactly when to be there,
You know exactly where I run, and exactly where to find me,
You know exactly how much I care, and exactly what I’m gonna do,
You know exactly why I’m here, and exactly what I’m trying to do,
You know exactly who and what I love, and exactly what makes me fly,
You know exactly where I hide, and exactly when I’ll reappear,
You know exactly what I’m waiting for, and exactly why I can’t wait…

You know exactly that I’ll always be there,

You know, exactly.