My Will

…Writing this at a time so still that 2007 seemed not to have begun at all. It’s amazing how much one can remember just by trying – whether remembering the past or dreaming of the future, it’s become clear to me that in hindsight, I’ve acted fallaciously. It’s a shame that I’ve gravitated so far across the globe without explanation. I could feel myself ebbing away from what means most, the hearts I’ve left behind, the numerous birthdays and anniversaries missed, the birth of children growing up and learning to dream, the tender moments by your side…Everything I touch and see embodies a reflection of your spirits, a fresh reminder of these depredations. Now I can only live our moments through photographs long expired. Tormented by ideas which refuse to settle into words, I’ve managed to accumulate a verbal holocaust, in hopes that you will take my words as a sign of contrition. I fragmented my obligations to you the day I promised never to turn away, so it is with deep anguish that I write this apology.

Nobody can face the world with his/her eyes open all the time and nobody said the transition from fear to love is easy. The system doesn’t build great men, it only kills great men. While managing my identity in a world that wants to define it for me, I would have become another statistic if it wasn’t for the fact that I couldn’t stop myself from being. The perversity of misguided individuals compelled me to travel the globe in search of truth, and truth alongside its infinite questions is what I found. A golden year, in which I kept a low profile, often asocial, I was transformed by an environment in which multiple, often conflicting forces were accelerating simultaneously. I had to confirm my underlying assumptions about the commonality of humanity and come to terms with my lack of nationality, or transnationality. In respectful silence I confined myself to absolute solitude and became the apex of an isosceles triangle, supported equally by twin pillars of flesh and blood. In the darkness, I laid unphotographed. The foundation of my existence, the pain I suffered internally translated itself into tears that poured into an eternal abyss; an affliction that only finishes to run its course in the deepest of sleep.

Mind assassination, is how I would elucidate the messages delivered in the exotic simplicities of nomadism. Notwithstanding, the message was clear: I had to love myself before I could love others. I’m certainly not suggesting that the struggle was over then and there, but the vertebrae of freedom lied between the lines of that message, with the final chapter yet to be written. By redefining my purpose on earth one time after another, I was able to find a modicum of peace – an aggrandizement of my entire raison d’etre. Fortuitous encounters cultivated a constellation of irreplaceable friendships across the seven continents, where we evolved, became truly autonomous individuals, and remained mentally active. Our efforts were never unicellulate; we spoke with dignity and eloquence, and sought refuge in a locale where we could discuss peace against those who sanctioned violence. A sound analysis of society’s specious entities, with an extensive exposition to a broad range of human behavior revealed that more often than not, we lived in a world supported by the antithesis of freedom. To mend the wounds of mental slavery, I remain embarked on a near-impossible mission of creating freedom for ourselves and others. We don’t settle for mediocrity in the pursuit of success, well aware that success is merely psychological. My general opinion of such matters has been voiced long ago, expectorated in my erstwhile monologues. Immersed in my autobiographical enterprise, I exist to learn from my infinite mistakes and teach thereafter, all this to fight the battles worth fighting, to synthesize our horizons so that they may continue to reach the far corners of this earth.

It is today that in front of you, I stand ill-at-ease. Despite my multitudinous trials, the artificial distance that exists between you and I has become the hiatus of my life, the centerpiece of my existence. Like a bruise that refuses to fade, I’m at the mercy of your healing acceptance. My only solace, are the quintessential memories of your love for me…It is through the countless near-death encounters that I’ve become fully aware of my fragility, my impermanence, and the finite quantity of time at my disposal. So it is here that I also write my will and obfuscate no further to prosaically express my apologies. With the little possessions I have, I bow at your feet and surrender my life efforts to you, to love, to family, to friends, to humanity, and to infinity. The essence of these words seeks to act as comforter in times of change, and servile to your every need. All this to fulfill my filial exigencies and bequeath to our children a respect for the egoless purity of mind. Only then, can they transcend beyond the world of superficialities. And only then, can they be taught how to dream and live Luther King’s dream amongst their peers and loved ones. Birth and death, the dualism of my life is univocal and infinitely simple; to put vision into reality and take steps towards our final destiny. All in hopes that once again, you can trust me like you trust gravity.

There are times when it is wise to become invisible. Like the period after sundown when the light has dissipated and the activity left over from the light of day continues to radiate translucently. When the shadow of foolishness reigns, it is best that any vibrancy remain hidden, that thoughts and efforts remain quiet and self-contained, protected from harmful external influences.

So it’s under this very premise that I seek refuge in reformation – a reformation to be completely autonomous without sacrificing the dignity of our loved ones. In tandem, we maintain a low profile on the public scene but a high prerogative in world affairs. Here on this globe, where I’m judged by my appearance by those that don’t appear to be the judge, my natural instincts succumb to the lure of nature in an attempt to decipher the politics from the politricks. Everyone is in search of the meaning of life; meanwhile, I travel foreign lands to keep my phonetics versed in multiple tongues. This is the first major step of a long journey, where the pages of my texts are dedicated to the blood of the next man to fall unjustly. To be an individual means to deliberately expose one’s self to change, to ignore what people are saying but to understand what they mean. The concept of meaning itself is the very foundation of building something out of nothing…

Freeing myself through these written words, you know very well that the day I stop writing is the day my soul is at peace. It’s the art of using the same words to create new meaning, for my opponents come in various forms, with the largest of them residing in the mind. Morally, I need this to evolve and live simply, so that others may simply live. We all grew up in a sphere of distraction that rotates around the globe at the speed of light and pulls us away from our lives. Hence, I’m not here to change others; I’m only here trying to change myself in the image of righteousness; knowing that I may be leaving soon, the same way I appeared here, slowly conjugating one verb at a time to make my escape for a new chapter in this book of life.

When a man gets up to speak, people listen and then look. When a woman gets up, people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen. Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths.

To the women that changed our lives:
I spent my whole life looking up to you, the ones who taught me how to love.
Your beauty, both external and internal, brings me strength each and every day.
I wish I could draw a portrait of your beauty, but that’s one thing that could never be put on paper.
Without the love, support and guidance, I would have never found myself.
A treasure to behold, your essence radiates from every angle.
For all your sacrifices and the courage you possess, you are phenomenal.
To the honor, endurance, unconditional love, and insights you have left with me.
To the bearer of our children, let me first look, listen and then learn from you.
To the women that have touched every aspect of our lives.
To my opposite equal, I just want you to know that you are beautiful…

One Love.

Some 20 Years Ago…
I am the product of a love so great; it brought Europe and Africa together. Raised speaking the language of my ex-colonizers, as a baby I was held in my mother’s arms. My ancestors hail from a raped continent, where the lives of individuals are not valued, and manipulated to fuel the engine of profit. An accumulation of semi-sovereign nations in which the truth is concealed by falsified arguments and the polarization of wealth is overshadowed by a continuous debt imposed upon our people; revealing that none of us can truly exist on only two dollars a day…

At the age of mobility – migrated to the land of opportunity in hopes of a better life. My brothers understood what it meant to have an empty fridge. Too many spoke of it, but few had lived it. Too many of us became experts in bearing arms, but only brought tears in the eyes of our mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters. Surviving a war in two separate worlds, easy money was the devil that trapped us in a game of mental monopoly. Became a victim of a life that didn’t satisfy me; became what I didn’t want to become. The world was cold and filled with hatred and suffering. Unexpectedly, my dreams diffused in a dense cloud of smoke at a time when, no one would offer me an ear to listen to the tragic tales. I wasn’t the worst, nor was I the best. Trusted men and they lied; our eyes witnessed events that were undeniably forbidden. Suffered multiple wounds while lying on my pedestal of death, but as ammunition flew I was submerged in a cloud of bullet. I could have cried all my tears, knowing that they will never come back – I now see that life is just as much saying goodbye, as it is saying hello.

Our enemies multiplied, until we could not count them anymore. I was nothing more than a statistic, graphing my name on the walls of forgotten ghettos. A troublesome reflection of selling people their death in a bag; amidst a riotous profusion of narcotics usage, a frail child offered me stimulants wrapped in aluminum. I wanted to help, but I was frozen, knowing that monetary handouts cause more harm than good. The general good-will of passersby will never relieve the streets. Eliminated the malicious empire, left the negativity behind, and now the bandana defines a different purpose.

Fraudulent Love
The most perfect drug in the world seems to be the signal that travels through our antennas and into our living rooms. I’m not sure when it became fashionable to talk nonsense in this society, but when publicity comes in the form of corporate sponsorship we become tragically attached to a world of superficialities driven by profit. We can never be good enough, attractive enough, rich enough, dramatic enough, special enough; ;ike an army of carbon copies, too many souls are absorbed into emulating the pictures that appear on their television screens. Now the media wonders why frustrated youth roam the streets, but they don’t see that they are the products of oppressive agenda. They talk about delinquency, I talk about inequality. When the issue was addressed many politicians hid behind a wall of logical responses, but what I saw wasn’t logical. These were the same group of ignorants that plague developing nations with political monsters. In their cities, ghettos are falling under the assault of drugs and alcohol. To them, love means accumulating wealth and money at the expense of our self-destruction. Then, they’ll continue to lie in our textbooks, proving that ignorance has no boundaries.

Actresses, or, emotional hypocrites in disguise, want to know love but they don’t love themselves. To compensate, they spend hours in front of mirrors painting a tragic reflection of their insecurities. They talk about change but they don’t see the change in themselves. They therefore transform themselves into different people every time you encounter them. Sometimes the ugliest people come wrapped in the prettiest little packages. Their violence of envious manipulation hides behind the masks, clothes, and make-up of these well-rehearsed performers. Having fallen in love with such a performer, I became the victim of an illusion – a tainted love that consumed the depth of my soul. In her selfishness, it bothered her to see me smile and through her every word she inflicted pain. Life soon became an ultimatum between her and my loved ones; I refused to partake. The truth became evident when the actress disappeared in my time of reflection; it’s hurt people that hurt people. Now we understand that there’s a big difference between loving a person, and loving what a person can offer to you.

Only forgiveness heals, ends the game of guilt, and releases me from the past. Love offers the freedom from fear, but for me and many others, it has been conjugated in the past tense. Love is frozen at our lips, incapable of being articulated, insomuch as the word itself seems to have disappeared from our vocabulary.

A New Direction
I had to disappear from the public eye, only to return and translate bitterness into hope. This is why I inscribe these words as a lesson, for those willing to listen, because one who forgets the past is condemned to repeat it. This is only the beginning – realization results in action, telling myself I will not be afraid to love someday. I learned that truth is not determined by the volume of one’s voice, so I lay quiet knowing that these domestic drawbacks could never fade my global vision. If it was to be done again I would have been much wiser, I would have held my mother, I would have admitted my weaknesses and focused on my strengths. We want comfort even though it comes at a high price, we make the effort, but more often than not we are not strong enough. If it weren’t for my brothers and sisters, more than half this life would have been spent, incarcerated. I had to cleanse my body of alcoholic poisons; the smoke I use to inhale is now exhaled for good. I escaped descent, cultivated friendships, celebrated cultures, and united broad sections of people; learning to choose friends wisely, and always stay close to the best of them. The best friendships find comfort in silence. Therefore, I’m eternally grateful for your silence in times of reflection, and your words in times of reconstruction.

Now 21 years later, I give my dedication to those with whom I shared these moments. Reminiscing upon the days when I use to live do or die, but now I die to live. Alert and aware that there is a day I am continuously ignoring, that one day, I will pass away…Before death comes for me, to all my friends and lost friends, I would like to say that I love you. To you, I offer my sincerest wishes so that you may find the opportunity of seeing something beautiful every day, so that your love stories never have endings…Know that to the world, you may be one person; but to one person, you may be the world. Don’t frown, because you never know who’s falling in love with your smile. Trust people wisely and they will be true to you; treat them greatly and they will show themselves great. Try focusing not on the world’s tragedies but on the world’s hope. Remember that you are a person, not a stereotype. Remember who you live for, and who you would die for. You can never please everyone, but through your deeds, those you touch will hold you dear to their hearts indefinitely…

Power is the ability to see yourself through your own eyes and not through the eyes of others. A person who has mastered this art reveals it in their every action…

…money brings freedom and freedom can lead to happiness, but sometimes money can bring greed, desperity, loneliness, selfishness and too much money can result in losing freedom all together…