An Apology to My Loved Ones

My Will

…Writing this at a time so still that 2007 seemed not to have begun at all. It’s amazing how much one can remember just by trying – whether remembering the past or dreaming of the future, it’s become clear to me that in hindsight, I’ve acted fallaciously. It’s a shame that I’ve gravitated so far across the globe without explanation. I could feel myself ebbing away from what means most, the hearts I’ve left behind, the numerous birthdays and anniversaries missed, the birth of children growing up and learning to dream, the tender moments by your side…Everything I touch and see embodies a reflection of your spirits, a fresh reminder of these depredations. Now I can only live our moments through photographs long expired. Tormented by ideas which refuse to settle into words, I’ve managed to accumulate a verbal holocaust, in hopes that you will take my words as a sign of contrition. I fragmented my obligations to you the day I promised never to turn away, so it is with deep anguish that I write this apology.

Nobody can face the world with his/her eyes open all the time and nobody said the transition from fear to love is easy. The system doesn’t build great men, it only kills great men. While managing my identity in a world that wants to define it for me, I would have become another statistic if it wasn’t for the fact that I couldn’t stop myself from being. The perversity of misguided individuals compelled me to travel the globe in search of truth, and truth alongside its infinite questions is what I found. A golden year, in which I kept a low profile, often asocial, I was transformed by an environment in which multiple, often conflicting forces were accelerating simultaneously. I had to confirm my underlying assumptions about the commonality of humanity and come to terms with my lack of nationality, or transnationality. In respectful silence I confined myself to absolute solitude and became the apex of an isosceles triangle, supported equally by twin pillars of flesh and blood. In the darkness, I laid unphotographed. The foundation of my existence, the pain I suffered internally translated itself into tears that poured into an eternal abyss; an affliction that only finishes to run its course in the deepest of sleep.

Mind assassination, is how I would elucidate the messages delivered in the exotic simplicities of nomadism. Notwithstanding, the message was clear: I had to love myself before I could love others. I’m certainly not suggesting that the struggle was over then and there, but the vertebrae of freedom lied between the lines of that message, with the final chapter yet to be written. By redefining my purpose on earth one time after another, I was able to find a modicum of peace – an aggrandizement of my entire raison d’etre. Fortuitous encounters cultivated a constellation of irreplaceable friendships across the seven continents, where we evolved, became truly autonomous individuals, and remained mentally active. Our efforts were never unicellulate; we spoke with dignity and eloquence, and sought refuge in a locale where we could discuss peace against those who sanctioned violence. A sound analysis of society’s specious entities, with an extensive exposition to a broad range of human behavior revealed that more often than not, we lived in a world supported by the antithesis of freedom. To mend the wounds of mental slavery, I remain embarked on a near-impossible mission of creating freedom for ourselves and others. We don’t settle for mediocrity in the pursuit of success, well aware that success is merely psychological. My general opinion of such matters has been voiced long ago, expectorated in my erstwhile monologues. Immersed in my autobiographical enterprise, I exist to learn from my infinite mistakes and teach thereafter, all this to fight the battles worth fighting, to synthesize our horizons so that they may continue to reach the far corners of this earth.

It is today that in front of you, I stand ill-at-ease. Despite my multitudinous trials, the artificial distance that exists between you and I has become the hiatus of my life, the centerpiece of my existence. Like a bruise that refuses to fade, I’m at the mercy of your healing acceptance. My only solace, are the quintessential memories of your love for me…It is through the countless near-death encounters that I’ve become fully aware of my fragility, my impermanence, and the finite quantity of time at my disposal. So it is here that I also write my will and obfuscate no further to prosaically express my apologies. With the little possessions I have, I bow at your feet and surrender my life efforts to you, to love, to family, to friends, to humanity, and to infinity. The essence of these words seeks to act as comforter in times of change, and servile to your every need. All this to fulfill my filial exigencies and bequeath to our children a respect for the egoless purity of mind. Only then, can they transcend beyond the world of superficialities. And only then, can they be taught how to dream and live Luther King’s dream amongst their peers and loved ones. Birth and death, the dualism of my life is univocal and infinitely simple; to put vision into reality and take steps towards our final destiny. All in hopes that once again, you can trust me like you trust gravity.